But, I also know that each move has its own different ebb and flow. About 10 days into our stay in Malaysia I had my meltdown. And, thankfully, a friend in the 'hood invited us for drinks and conversation and after that, I was fine. Malaysia became easy. Malaysia became enjoyable. Malaysia became home.
While the meltdowns have been many here in Warsaw, it still doesn't feel like home. But, I know that I am stronger than the meltdowns. I know that eventually this will feel like home. (Please let this happen sooner rather than later. PLEASE!) I know that the feeling of comfort and ease will come. And how do I know this? Because I follow the A to Z's of moving abroad. Yeah, it's my own made up list, but it really is true. And this is why I forced myself to write this blog today - because I needed to remind myself of these!
And while I apply it to moving halfway across the world, it may apply to anyone who is moving out of their comfort zone. A Yankee becoming a Southerner...A big city girl moving to a small town. Anyone making a move might find these helpful. So here they are:
Attitude. Yup, attitude is everything. Some days I'm able to paste on that "fake it 'til you make it" smile and breeze through the day. Other days, yeah...not so much. But, the days when my attitude sucks, I know that I need to pull myself up by my boot straps and turn it around because it's not helping me or anyone else. You control your attitude.
Bend, But Don't Break. Every family has hard and fast rules. Whether it's as simple as bed time or homework or electronics or whatever. Just know that with a move, everyone needs some flexibility. Extra time on the iPad won't kill your child until they make new friends. And an extra cocktail for you, well...sometimes it's just necessary. You can bring the strict family rules back into play when everyone is ready...You included.
Children. Help your children get adjusted to their new home as soon as possible. I'm thankful that my kids have totally rocked this move to Poland. They love their school. They have friends. They're playing sports. This makes your life easier if they are happy and smiley and doing their thing.
Drink. Okay...this is in here as a joke...sort of. But, a good cocktail at the end of the day works for me. Or, perhaps it's that caramel macchiato. Whatever it is! Indulge a little!
Embrace The Suck. This has always been my CrossFit motto. Always. I have to do burpees today?! Embrace the suck. I have to do Turkish get-ups?! Embrace the suck. It was only when I got here that I realized it applies to moving as well. So I will embrace the suckiness (Just put down your dictionary - that's a word!) of certain things. RBF? Yup, embrace it. My lack of Polish language skills? I'm embracing it (and working to fix it). Sometimes things just suck and you have to go with it.
Friends. We all need them. Some of us need a lot of friends. Some of us need just a few. Look for those people who you laugh with easily. Look for those who share your same values. Look for those who make you smile. And reach out to those who know what you are going through. Just because your best friend lives halfway around the world now doesn't diminish the importance of that friendship.
Guilt. Oooh, there's lots of guilt when you are abroad and you just need to forget about it. Yup, you're going to miss holiday get togethers. You're going to miss weddings.You're going to miss funerals. You're going to miss all sorts of things. And the first few things you miss will make you feel incredibly guilty. But, S-T-O-P. You and your family made this choice together. You are doing it because it's right for you and your family. And the guilt that others want you to feel...don't allow it to consume you.
Hug. How silly, right? No...not really. A hug from your spouse or your kiddos is AWESOME! And sometimes it makes things right in the world.
Invest. Invest in yourself. Invest in your family. Invest in your marriage. Invest in the people around you. Now may be the perfect time to make some positive changes - for you and for those around you.
Just ______. You fill in the verb. Just laugh. Just cry. Just smile. Just yell. Be your authentic self. Don't deny what you are thinking and feeling.
KISS. Yes, that good ol' rule of "Keep It Simple, Stupid" completely applies - especially within those first few months of moving. Don't over complicate your life. You don't need to be a member of every damn committee at school to be a good parent. You don't need to attend every new comer's meeting/coffee in order to feel included. Nor do your children need to be involved in every activity. KISS! Remember it!
Look and Listen. Look and see what is happening around you. Listen to the other moms/dads you come in contact with. This can be more powerful than the asking of a hundred questions at times.
Monitor. You need to constantly monitor your feelings and those of your family members. The highs and lows of a move come at different points for everyone - which is really a good thing. God knows you don't need four people thinking this place sucks all at one time. So keep an eye on your family and, hopefully, they're doing the same for you so you can pick each other up when you're at that low point.
Needs. Establish what your family "needs" when it comes to surviving and thriving in your new country. House, school, transportation, friends. And then go to work on the "wants." The "wants" may be geared more towards the "thriving" aspect of things...but once the needs are met, you can go to work on those.
Optimism. You must remain optimistic. I'm not saying you need to be a Pollyanna (please remember: Embrace The Suck), but if you are constantly looking at all that is wrong around you then you are setting yourself up to fail.
Patience. Oh, man...I severely lack this. I want everything NOW! But, moves require patience - and plenty of it. Breathe in, breathe out. **Read this over and over again, Robin**
Questions. Ask them. Ask lots of them! Ask the stupid ones and the not-so-stupid ones. How the heck are you going to know what's going on if you don't ask questions?
Resources. Seek out as many resources as possible. Facebook groups are amazing. You ask a question and usually within a few minutes someone has posted a reply. Additionally, there are lots of other organizations (i.e. InterNations) which can offer some help. Or, the best is a friend of a friend who can tell you the real deal scoop! Resources are critical.
Seek. Seek out new experiences, new challenges, new hobbies. For the non-working ex-pat, this is your time to try new things. Perhaps it's charity work or learning a new language or that book you've thought about writing. Now's your time.
Travel. Live for the travel experiences. It is one of...if not the...greatest parts of living abroad.
Ugly. Don't be the Ugly American (or whatever country you may hail from). We all want things to be our way, or like it was in America, or whatever the case may be. BUT, you are a guest...honest and truly...a guest. Someone jumped through some hoops so that you and your family could come to this country and the last thing you need to be doing is acting in a manner that shows a complete disrespect for the culture where you are living. Faux pas happen, but being rude and nasty is just not called for.
Vent. Don't hold it in. I've been holding it in (sort of) the last few weeks. It doesn't help. I actually felt slightly better when I told Blaine that I wasn't completely enamored with things so far. So no matter how big or how small...Let it out.
Wins. Celebrate the victories. You figured out where to buy bagels? Sweet! Your kids invited friends over to play? Awesome! You figured out the sign means no parking and avoided a ticket? Score one for you! These might seem like little things, but when you first hit the ground it's the little wins that can make you feel like you're going to make it!
Xerox. Hmm...this may be a stretch, but, I needed an "X." You need to know that your move and your feelings are not going to be a carbon copy of someone else's. Listen to the advice of others, but know that what worked for them may not work for you. And that's okay.
You.You will spend a lot of time making sure the little people in your life are happy. You will also spend time listening to your spouse talk about his/her new job and all that it entails, but don't forget to bring the focus around to you. Make sure people are asking how your day is going and what you've been up to while the rest of the family has been gone. Sometimes that's all you need to feel validated in a world where the trailing spouse receives very little validation.
Zip it. And sometimes, you just need to zip it. Remember the old adage "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all"? Yeah, sometimes it applies. I only share a fraction of my thoughts with a small percentage of people because well, they don't need to know that I think something is ridiculously stupid or that I wish they'd stop their bitchin'...
Yeah...so this post was completely and selfishly written for me today. I needed to remind myself about these things...some more than others. Moves are hard. Moves to a new country...really hard. But, for the most part, you are in control of how you handle it. And tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to handle it just a little bit better.
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